It's always me.

Moral exam sucks.



can't believe I actually can't manage to finish the essay.



and i'm actually not HAPPY about it. But no one knows. and no one to cheer me thou.



anyhoo, been argue with him lately. Seriously, I really begin to doubt why are we still being together. - or even couple up at the 1st place.



we have totally entire different thinking and opinion, taste and feelings.



i'm so-call the 'sticky' 1. he's the secretive, manly wat-so-ever.



i am super ultimately emotional person. he keeps his emotion and thoughts to himself.



i choose to talk to improve the problems. he choose to forget it and hope things will go back as usual asap.



so much more stuff that we don't click. really, why are we together ?



I thought by holding his hands tightly, he will realise how much I love him that I won't let go his hands.



I thought by hugging him tightly, he will realise how much I love him and shows how much I need him.



I thought by smiling or crying, he will realise how much I love him and shows how special is he to have make me smile and cry.



I thought by taking care of his health or loneliness, he will realise how much I love him and I expect him to worry back bout me when I'm sick.



I thought by behaving gentle and ''manja'', he will realise how much I love him that I would behave something that I don't.



I thought by putting him as priority above my family, friends and studies, he will realise how much I love him.



I know am not good enough. I thought I can do better.



But obviously, I failed again.



I don't know what he thinks of all ( what i thought ) but he is giving me that feeling that it's no big deal and it's common to do all that in a relationship.



I bet he won't know, everytime he holds my hand and squeeze it so tighly, I just want to scream to everyone that "I'm really in love with this boy ! "




yes, that is the kind of feeling I have when I'm in love, but I don't think everyone will actually understand what I mean =/



we don't hug much lately, and kisses was not as passionate feeling as compare to few months back. we run out of topic mostly, and leave silent moment in the car each time - or only radio entertaining us.



I thought when we didn't meet then when we get to meet up, he will tell me how much he misses me, ask how's my day and stuff.



maybe he will ask how's my day, but it sound normal as in Q&A type. and then remain silent condition.



Yes, this is what happen to us in our daily basis. That's why I can't even stand looking at Sabrina and Wilson. The way they "interact" with each other, my mind is conquered with envious. They are such a loving couple.




there's so much in my mind. but he won't get it. he won't understant unless I explain it in his face. why I didn't do so in order to solve all the problems ?? coz IF i keep telling him :



" I'm upset coz you didn't know I'm actually upset at the corner there while you keep playing your games / I'm upset coz you didn't worry when I say I can't find food and I might get gastric soon / I'm upset coz I can't click with your family that I feel like a stranger in your house / I'm upset coz when I'm sick you didn't even 'gently' take care of me etc "



IF i keep telling him all these, and tell him what to do so I WON'T GET UPSET, what's the point ? Maybe there's point, maybe he shall learn and remember what will make me upset and how to not make me upset. But, what I see is pointless.



He only sees the outer, the face expression. But he will never try to understand the inner - my feelings and what I actually need.



so complicated. he will think everything is fine. but I'm not fine dear. Not lately especially.



I miss those smiles and cute laughter of him and sometimes when he scold me bout stuff coz he was worry.



I miss those kisses that was so passionate and warm.



I miss those feeling when he cuddle me on his bed when he's sleeping.



and those feelings are fading pretty much. how am I going to overcome this ? He's clueless, and so am I now.



I always wish you could show me how much you love me. or even in order to cheer me up, a simple " I Love You " will help so much. I really need you to show me that the love you have been saying since the beginning is real and worth on me.




xoxo, kelly.